


asphalt bloom

by aliensighs



Category: VAV (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - 1970s, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Awkward pauses, Brotherhood, Early 1980s, Friendship, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Life Struggles, M/M, Mentions of implied abuse, Mild Language, Misunderstandings, Non-Graphic Violence, Not Beta Read, Revolution, Slice of Life, Suppressed Feelings, Underage Drinking, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, and u live on, being gay and angry, but no real focus on that, hand holding, literally a family a big whiny family, mentions of relationships - Freeform, the point is shit happens, they kinda dramatic tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-23
Updated: 2020-08-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 00:35:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21918379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aliensighs/pseuds/aliensighs
Summary: how else would they live?
Comments: 1
Kudos: 11





	1. discussion

It was the decade of the rebels. 

  
Peace wasn’t found in the city, and in the countryside roamed the government’s dogs, staggering but volatile. It seemed like the birds didn’t chirp when they were around, the leaves stopped rustling and the lively stream down the village halted and hushed. The dictator had his set of ethics and it did not sanction security. The people were afraid, angry more so but all they could do was spit when the guns turned away. Last time they put a bullet in someone whispering malice, it was recalled and never to be repeated. Some say they picked some young rage and pulled him apart. Some say they took their sister and returned her mute. Some never got to say anything. 

  
The radio played the national anthem followed by dreams painted in black and blue. News splashed in yellow. The host played some old numbers and called it a day. Like he didn’t want to scream and urge all who could have heard. Like he didn’t have a noose hanging on top of his head..if he slipped, if he set a fire. It was the time of anarchy.

  
When one didn’t lay awake at night, they used to be out. Doing what they weren’t supposed to do. Or maybe it was just them. Well it felt like it. It wasn’t that they weren’t scared. They were terrified but they thought it was better than sighing every two seconds, thinking when will things go back to order. Who’ll set it all back? How? Mirages of the ones who were lost kept them from resting. Perhaps..they could. Yes, they could and so they will. 

  
Geumhyuk was late and it had started to worry the rest. He was never late, they met at the old garage Chunghyeop worked at. Well, used to work at. Vehicles had to be searched like treasure now as their counts decreased. They thought it was an ideal place, hidden from direct view, loads of spare parts scattered about and the basement just one jump away. They’ve done it before, was it three times? They moved just out of caution but it was crucial to be alert. Patrolling was quite the gimmick thankfully, the ruffians in gear rode their jeeps once in a while, cursed at the civilians and hardly stuck around at one place for more than two minutes. But it would be a problem if someone was seen at that time out in the open, if luck stranded them they might be confronted and terrorized. And that’s exactly what drove them crazy. Time stepped into quarter to twelve and sweat droplets rolled down their necks. Yoonho sat still long enough for one to assume him to be made of stone but that’s all he could do. To keep the foolish thoughts away, to stop himself from running out and search until his doom. He never acts on his feelings, he just waits until they wear out. Like he did the day his parents sent him and his siblings to their grandparents. 

  
They didn’t even arrive at once. First his sister came, informed their grandparents and prayed for her brother’s safe journey. Then the youngest of them was dropped off by a man they knew could be trusted, Chunghyeop's father who took the kid when he went to the city for business. Yoonho was the last to stumble into the village, it took him time because he was stubborn. He didn’t understand why he had to leave his house, his parents and why they couldn’t go with him. He was about to be a star, he had already graced the small screen throughout his childhood and he was ready to go big. He had potential they said. His room in the city filled with bits and pieces of paper etched with lyrics to melodies unknown. He wanted to laugh at himself, they’ll take his music away his words were too concrete, truth was not to be uttered according to the guidelines. He kept waiting for his chance until it was time his mother chided him with tears in her eyes the night before he was meant to leave, “ _You have to be with your siblings, we need you to be brave, we need you to live like you were born there and not worry about us. We’re doing all we can, and it’s going to be very difficult to get through this if you don’t do as we say my son. All we do is because of you so please my love, please you need to be safe because if we lose you there will be nothing left for us to fight for. We have no future without you, so we need you to promise you’ll take care of your grandparents and siblings. And not set foot in this city until your worth is valued, the best you can do to help us is to stay safe_.” She wiped the dried remnants from her cheeks harshly and kissed his forehead, his father hasn’t looked at him since he threw a fit earlier that afternoon. He listened as his wife consoled their blood, not knowing what he should say that would convince his child. His brightest. He felt like he had no more tears left in him, the first day he sobbed in his study when his beloved daughter left. Now, the last of them.

  
“ _This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life. Keeping you all away, afraid of being found out. But I don’t want them to take you. I- They don’t have anything to do with people in the village, the order is persecuting us, we brought it upon ourselves and we must stand our ground. We must struggle for the revolution, for injustice. I don’t think I have to explain to you why it’s so important my son. You must hide and wait for us. It is on my life, I know it is hard on you. I see your heart, but please let us take care of this. I’m proud of you and you must honour my trust in you_.” His father had said before he boarded the bus at dawn, Yoonho hasn’t been the same since. He hated everything, the system, the people, he despised the laws, the lack of compassion that broke his family and thousands more. But he had to live quietly, as much as it hurt to not see his parents, as much as it took for him to not fulfill his dreams. For a while. He’s grown suspicious and nervous. He can’t sit still, he never could. Until a year ago, he was a city boy..not the only one but still a newcomer and he hasn’t figured out what to do. 

  
There was Hosung, who was alone in the village. Not even relatives, he was just sent to the first place his parents could find. It was that bad. The villagers were kind enough to take him in, he was just sort of everyone’s kid he was fed, clothed, had a room and was loved to the extent possible. Yoonho heard something really outrageous happened the day Hosung showed up, something came over the order and they issued the forces to raid the houses of the protesters. “ _Oh my lord they are burning the- Hosung? Where’s Hosung?_ ” He was in his room, dreading to know what went wrong when his mother burst through the door,her face pale and fear stricken. “ _You need to get out, a few clothes, here’s some food through the back door NOW_.” She almost pushed him away he felt like he might puke. “ _Where’s father? Can I please see him?_ " His voice cracked from keeping all the tears in but he prepared to leave as his mother instructed. He understood there was no time to bargain, there was no chance of compromise he had to go. His mother hugged him like he would carry her through all this, _“My son,”_ she looked at his face, grim but sure “ _move south. The village. They won’t follow you there. At least for now. You know the route don’t you? The one near th-"_ she choked back painfully and assumed he knew, which he did. He left with no knowledge of what happened to his father.

  
Next thing Yoonho knew, Hosung was there standing like he had no soul in him, his eyes bloodshot and clothes probably drenched by the recent thunderstorm. Yoonho knew something was coming, he had been jumpy all day and he’d already rounded the fields and walked the dogs, but it was a someone.

  
He wanted to comfort the tall, lanky, sobbing mess just five feet away but he decided against it. Things like these, you can’t just take it away, you can’t just ask them to stop their emotions and act like there isn’t a perpetual pricking in your chest. He knew too well. So he behaved stationary until the boy calmed himself down and asked for help. They’ve been inseparable ever since. Yoonho held him as he wept when Hosungs parents sent him letters, one part of him relieved, the other screeching to let him go back. When Hosung wasn’t feeling too bad, he would talk to Yoonho. And goodness, he knew how to win an argument. They would bicker for most of the day, which always ended with playful shoving and smiling. They found solace in each other, when they weren’t thinking about home they thought about what to do the next day. _Together_.

  
Hosung was a student. He had just completed high school overseas and was back home. He had nothing to do with the protest, he just knew the mass were unhappy and wanted freedom. He wanted it to be over, he was tired of the movement that took so much from him. He was aware that his perspective was insensitive, irrational even more so but when he fled he left his sensibility in the roads sacrificed to mutiny. _He fled_. From his own home. So he’ll take back everything, he’ll dismantle the institution so mindless so destructive. His life was supposed to be simple. Hiding in a village, scheming for restoration was far from that. Hosung still wanted to leave as much but he almost felt selfish when he laughed with Yoonho, with the guys. He found Yoonho pretty but never said it out loud, he just looked at the other explaining how he found a new pond near the hills and hoped he'd just magically know. He wished it wasn’t such a sinful time.

  
City boys in paradise, wasn’t it makeshift though? Only until they were distracted, only until it helped them get some sleep when they couldn’t move a limb. It didn’t feel any better, they didn’t feel lucky. They just escaped, carrying pain like some trophy and endless frustration. So they joined the others in the making, bunch of self made elites, tongue coated with renaissance, their own small army. That fueled them to sit in that garage two days a week sometimes more and listen to the philosophies and theories. That’s all they were in that moment but it gave them hope, they stacked courage to burn it all one fine day. To turn it all back.

  
Wooyoung was talking to Heejun, the youngest among them about something seemingly hilarious for the teenager was amused enough not to demand for the whereabouts of the one missing. He was an impulsive kid, but he loved his brothers and things didn’t look good that day. Geumhyuk sort of kept them together, adored each one of them and thought very highly of their capabilities. Heejun loved him. He’d known the elder ever since he could walk about, when his parents moved there from another village. Geumhyuk had put him to bed on countless days when his parents couldn’t make him, he’d follow Hyuk to the meadows, to the daily market, everywhere. He’d sulk when he didn’t get to play with Hyuk when he was a child, and he still spends most of his time following him around. Heejun had never known anything else except that village of theirs, what he was taught through education and socialization, and Geumhyuk. He was satisfied. Until there was nothing left. He’d seen the influx of new people, heard what the world beyond the frontiers holds and he was enraged. It wasn’t how it was supposed to go, he would’ve gone to the city to study music or drama or both. He would’ve stayed with Geumhyuk, it was all laid down and they had sworn to each other. Now, he couldn’t. Unless they go join the struggle in the city. It was foolishness but the people don’t know that it will come for them as well, the wildfire of oppression. It must be stopped before it engulfs them. The countryside drifted in the illusion of exclusion, but it was only a matter of time. Heejun understood that now. He understood why Geumhyuk was so serious about this because they will become what they’ve heard about, it will spare none. 

  
Wooyoung tried his best to talk to him, him and Hyeop were the pacifiers. Never out of composure, they wore optimism like a duty badge. They’ve willingly accepted that role, because there was no one else who had that much patience and you cannot win a war like this one with only power, when you are at a grave disadvantage. So they play their part in a smaller scale, this gathering of theirs. 

  
“Heejun do you know what they found in the fields this morning?” Wooyoung smiled, his brows aligned with mischief.

  
Chunghyeop looked up, he set aside the pair of glasses he was cleaning and laughed. It was as if someone played a recording titled joy. 

  
“What hyung?” Heejun wasn’t that gullible, he knew what was about to come but he still appreciated it. It was fun, he didn’t like being gloomy. 

  
“Gold. They say it’s pure gold. Well, I saw it first you know I told them about my suspicions and you know your hyung, my words are practically holy sayings and baam they found some shiny good stuff all real.” Wooyoung gazed at Chunghyeop, expectant yet knowing that the other would join him in no time.

  
“Buy me some meat, hyung! What else should we do with all that gold?” Heejun's eyes widened, slivers of brightness flickering.

  
“Should we go to the moon?” Chunghyeop asked, putting his hands on the teens shoulders. He was actually hopeful, that they will really reach the moon one day. Tip toeing, waltzing to the moon.

  
Hosung scoffed, leaning back to the wall stained with faded beige shades. Yoonho kept his silence, he liked watching dutifully at times.

  
“I’ll fly to the moon, you know I can.” Heejun stood up, as if he’ll take off right then. Stretching his hands over his head, he sighed. Can he? Would anyone take him? Geumhyuk? Hyung? _Hyung_.

  
“Where’s Geumhyuk hyung again? It’s almost one now, did he forget? Should we go call him?” He eyed Wooyoung and Chunghyeop waiting for them to comply.

  
“He’ll be here-” “Now Heejun what are you doing on your birthday?” Chunghyeop decided it was best not to let Wooyoung complete his words, it’s hard enough to keep Heejun to sit there without him wanting to rush out every other minute in the absence of the eldest.

  
“Aaahhh nothing much. Mom said she’ll invite you all for dinner. Oh, I need something! You know what I’ve been thinking..” 

  
“You need the tag yeah I heard you the first time.” Wooyoung exhaled rolling his eyes and lips stretched to the sides. He touched the piece around his neck and saw Chunghyeop do the same. The oath memoir. It was similar to the dog tags soldiers used, but they refused to call it that. Their purpose was a bit different, it was a promise to themselves. Geumhyuk got them when him, Chunghyeop and Wooyoung came of age. Differentiating itself from the usual tags with plain cold metal, these had beautiful intricate carvings in them. Their initials and birthdays prominent with designs finding space in the surroundings. A single word to be read and remembered on the other side, _strive_. They’ve followed it as they climbed into adulthood. Resist, cherish, nurture, protect and move forward. It’s all they’ve known. Now Heejun wanted it too. Fair enough. He had lived the same way the eldest three have. He deserves it. He’ll be eighteen this summer, he might as well become a master of one. 

  
Chunghyeop beamed as he felt the metal sit on his chest warm from his body heat. It was a part of him now. He internally debated on whether to give one to the other kids as well, they’ll know in time. He wondered when things would simmer down, living in that country meant he couldn’t escape the clutches of oppression but things just got worse when a group of activists in the city took out a rally in opposition of the regime even though they weren’t permitted to. It was a considerably large crowd, from what he had heard. As expected, it was clamped down and sent the order into panic. They did everything to put the dissenters down, consequences of which brought Hosung and Yoonho to the village. Their parents were political and were well known patrons of the movement, it had been long since they sat idle. He didn’t blame anyone but the servants of fascism, after all he wanted to do the same. 

  
The sounds of nature whizzed, constant and harmonious. Heejun had just shifted his attention to Hosung and Yoonho when they heard someone approaching. Wooyoung quickly shot up to his feet and moved slightly towards the entrance. He looked back to warn the rest, unsure but steady. Yoonho pulled Heejun closer to him while he tried to stick to Hosung who was about to stand up. 

  
“Sit. Sit down.” Chunghyeop said, trying to cover them, his right hand pushed backwards signaling them to stay still. Footsteps echoed in the warm summer night, each step making him frown in anticipation.

  
Wooyoung licked his lips and exhaled shakily. _Who will it be? They can’t be found out right? No one knows about them though. Should we run? Should I go and see? Just show up already..4..he could hear everyone in the place breathing..3..someone shuffled their feet behind him...2...1._ The shutter attached to the front opened swiftly and a man stepped inside with haste, groaning. Geumhyuk. _Geumhyuk!_ Of course. It is him.

He looked exhausted, perspiration covering his face. They didn’t notice he had someone else with him, limping and coughing in intervals. Geumhyuk supported the other figure by his waist and held him up. They all reached out and huddled around as the man scanned for a place to settle down, they were worried but figured it was better to stay quiet in the moment. They were taught that noise led to disorder. 

  
“What is...going on?” Yoonho exclaimed as they all stared at the person, eyes drooping, nose bloody and lips probably split. 

  
It was Jang Peng. 


	2. destruction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thought we built a dynasty that heaven couldn't shake  
> Thought we built a dynasty, like nothing ever made  
> Thought we built a dynasty forever couldn't break up  
> It all fell down

Matter stilled around the unmoving bodies, no one said a word but they all peered at their latest addition; who didn’t look well. Though by the virtue of namesake he was Jang Peng, but he liked being called Jacob. Quite fashionable, he’d say now looked quite opposite to his claims. He was breathing heavily, aligning his thoughts and struggling to utter them out loud. Geumhyuk let out a tired sigh and lifted himself off the wooden box he let himself rest for a while.

“It was them. The jobless personnels. They roughed him up, I was passing by and intervened. Let him off with a warning.” He summarized, saving Jacob some breath and everyone’s sanity.

“Excuse me? Did I hear that right? Are you serious? You got bashed by those pests?” Hosung retorted, face battled by emotions of disbelief and bitterness. Yoonho grabbed his shoulder and hushed him lightly, both of them taking a couple of steps back.

“Let him explain. Peng-ah, what happened? You said you weren’t attending today because you had something to do so how did it end up like this? You…” Chunghyeop turned to take the medical supplies they had stashed for times like these from Wooyoung, who reached out for them as soon as they had sat down earlier.

Jacob looked least interested in sharing anything, he just wanted to sit and stare into the void. His emotions transcended from anger, shame and finally coming to terms with his own situation. He had a lot of pride in him and maybe that’s what drove him into the present state. He wasn’t supposed to come today because he had to meet some kids who kept pestering him to give them dance lessons. He had clearly refused, he didn’t want to take any burden and he wasn’t sure how patient he’d be with children. But the kids were determined, they wouldn’t leave him alone after they saw him spinning near the stream, so sharp and confident. He was the mysterious Chinese resident who hung around the older guys, maybe he knew something they could learn. But when they approached him a couple of days before and told him that learning something new would make them happy and that he inspires them, he had nothing left in him that could urge him to walk away. So they fixed a time, after school they would quickly finish their homework, eat supper and run to Jang Peng’s humble abode. He couldn’t remember the last time he was so laid back, as he constructed movements he thought of how Chunghyeop and Yoonho would love this. He swayed to the beats carrying a foreign language, was it western? He thought he looked silly breaking out in rock n roll but the kids looked like they were having a good time, he was pleasantly surprised when a few girls also turned up who although were shy seemed to be keeping up pretty well. He couldn’t wait to tell the guys about what he experienced, to do the same with them. Wouldn’t that be a sight?

At 8 o’clock he dropped the last one of them right at their doorstep or at least he thought so. He was thinking of joining the meeting and surprising the guys but he could only walk about hundred meters with that thought. There stood the kid who asked him to engage in this and was persistent enough to get his request across.

“I could swear I said goodnight to you like fifteen minutes ago, what are you doing here? Is there a problem?” He tilted his head, concern filling him in seconds.

“No I just didn’t want to go inside yet. Nothing is wrong I’m fine. Can I walk with you?” The fourteen year old didn’t wait for his reply and moved ahead on his own, fearing he’ll be sent back in that instant.

Jacob although perplexed followed, amusement falling linear in bits. He genuinely wanted to know why the boy wouldn’t leave him alone. He didn’t want angry parents hounding him for ‘making’ their kids go astray. Or doing something inappropriate that could influence kids on his part. He wasn’t sure what he could do that by any chance that would negatively effect younger people, but the idea of them following him around and considering him as someone they look up to made him uneasy. He was just a teenager too, a brazen one at that.

They walked in silence for a few minutes, patches of glowing lights from people’s houses intersecting the streets and light breeze blowing past their dry cheeks. Winter will be here soon.

“Do you like it here? Why didn’t you go back to your own country, aren’t conditions better there?” The boy interrupted the silence, eyes on the ground and voice a little humble.

“Maybe, I don’t really know. I’ve known nothing else for as long as I can remember. Just this village, my friends and me growing up somehow. I can’t compare things I have never consciously experienced. Not sure I want to, either.” He wondered if that was too much to decipher but he couldn’t take it back now. He didn’t lie, he moved here with his family when he was two, they didn’t intend to stay for long but his father’s trade flourished and his mother took up a job of teaching which paid well. That kept them in the land for several years until Jacob turned sixteen and his elder brother wanted to go back. His parents were convinced it was time they went back after accumulating enough but Jacob didn’t think the same way. He had already joined the struggle silently, he became too familiar with the guys he conspired with, he wasn’t ready to start a new life, wasn’t comfortable abandoning his practices here and leaving everything he had already carved out for himself. He supposed he would pick himself up and move when it felt right but he didn’t think it was necessary in that moment, he had grown too attached. He wanted to witness things getting better, he wished to be a part of it.

“I want to leave.” He wasn’t surprised when he heard that coming from the boy. A lot of natives did, they wanted to escape and earnestly believed that they would have a better life elsewhere. Somewhere peaceful, where they wouldn’t be chased and they could do what their hearts pleased. Jacob wasn’t certain if there’s really a place in that time that would be so ideal, but hoped it was true for others sake.

“Then work hard and leave. Do what you want to, you’re the one living your life but don’t be rash. A lot of people are getting out anyway, maybe you’ll get lucky too?” He tried to be encouraging, wondering if he used the correct words. After all, he wanted the best for the children he had seen growing up. He didn’t find any justification in holding people back who wanted better for themselves, everyone deserves that. As long as people strived for themselves, there was a general betterment for all; as he read somewhere things would eventually fall into place one day. The boy had been listening to him patiently, as if making a mental note of everything that came out of his mouth and Jacob couldn’t be more thankful that they had almost reached the boy’s house. The street lamp flickered, like fireflies in the cityscape urging him to register the reality of the scene. He turned, facing the boy and patted his shoulder harmlessly.

“Wherever you go, you need to do your best. You’ll get ample opportunities, once you recognize and get hold of one there’s no stopping. You hear me? Everyone fears the unknown but you won’t really know what’s out there if you don’t try is it? I hope one day after you’ve accomplished all you want, you’d like to come back and tell us about it too.” He ended with a bittersweet smile, wishing there was someone else in his place maybe Chunghyeop or Wooyoung who’d chant mantras of success and leave the boy all inspired. But it’s him now and he has already given his verdict as he stands alone watching the boy go in, praying he didn’t usher in some atrocity. He was never good with words, just this once he hoped he’ll get by.

“I got the kid off my back and got out of the neighborhood as soon I could right? So I was just passing by the primary school and guess what’s behind the school? Yes we all know, full of stench i got no hair left in my nostrils….they often hang around there and they saw me looking pretty uncomfortable as I tried to scoot faster than air.” Jacob rambled, as if he wasn’t hissing and wincing in pain a while ago. He always liked being dramatic of the subtle kind because he would do anything but admit he was overcome by someone. By fair means or none.

“I really don’t think they’d bust someone’s arse just cause they were passing, smart mouth. It’s alright PengPeng you can say it okay?” Wooyoung sat near him as a silent offering of comfort. Jacob wished he would hold him as well, until he could count till ten maybe twenty.

“They came out one by one like hyenas and dared to ask me why don’t I join them, why I hang around…around degenerates.” It rang so loud in his head he wasn’t sure if he had finished his sentence. It made him angry, left his chest aching and his lips quivered as a tantalizing side effect.

Chunghyeop assumed a squat near his knees and looked at him straight in the eyes, he didn’t look affected. As he looked around, there was no sign of irritation in anyone and he couldn’t pinpoint the reason. Did he overreact? Have..they heard things like this before?

“And what did you do, child?” Chunghyeop seemed like he was asking that to himself, only eyes fixed on the other.

“I said they were filthy _bastards_.”

Geumhyuk would call the trees growing in his backyard his siblings. That’s how long he lasted in everyone’s memories. He often felt left behind, he thought he should hold regrets as a badge of shame and just get out of the mess already but he wakes up every morning, his mother tells him someone needs him in the village and he forgets everything he painted about himself the night before. Worries just creep up to him when he’s left alone, he thought he deserved better and felt heedless in the same breath. He chose not to leave, he chose to be the eldest bachelor out there being twenty three with no real income and some ringleader claiming things he himself wasn’t sure to fulfill. And what not. But he kept himself in that place because he wanted to, the tones of radicalism convinced him to believe what most would regard as foolishness and he lived by it. When he wasn’t pitied he was loved by all, he was the epitome of gregarious youth and a worthy son. He was aware of it but as he pushed forward into adulthood, he found it more difficult to reiterate it and fell back on what’s left undone. He worked in a music store slash a secret listening station in the city three times a week along with some minute jobs here and there. He was doing well but maybe he could convince himself.

He took it upon himself to get the environment going and just like any living being he found himself to be exhausted. The constancy of it all and his stubborn stupor did not allow him to be weak, some days he’d like to cry in someone’s arms too. Some days he’d be telling himself the world is ending and he’ll hear Chunghyeops voice calling him “Hyuk-ah, we need to go! Quickly!” and he’ll see him and Wooyoung standing outside smiling so bright as if they didn’t share the same fate too. Wooyoung took his bicycle wherever he went, he might not ride it but she’ll walk side by side him every single day. They’d be laughing at uncovered anecdotes and they’d tell Geumhyuk how he didn’t have to keep his misery inside. He appreciated how easy it was and how the universe gave him people who’d catch on to his feelings and micro expressions even before he let them show.

  
He remembered when there were more people on their ship of aspirations, but as their senses grew so did their disparity. Mothers would drag their sons away in fear of detention, boys would stop showing up on their gatherings, they’d shift their gaze when they crossed each other on the street and they wiped away the pledges they took together. Soon enough, it was just them all for one and one for all. Nobody hated them in fact they had quite a pleasant reputation but it was proven that they were in it on their own. Being rebels, shattering passivity and on the brink of biting bullets; he didn’t expect everyone to turn rogue in the supreme’s eyes. It was less messy like that, him, Wooyoung and Chunghyeop were enough to act as a reminder that hope wasn’t forlorn.

He would talk to his father about the dreams he had, although his old man resonated with him the trials and tribulations of his own life halted him from applying the seal of practicality. When they were around sixteen or seventeen and they had just discovered their passion for resistance his father would ask them to huddle around on certain evenings and he’d tell them about his experiences. He’d tell them how the young men were targeted and hunted down, to the extremes that they had to seek refuge inside the deep forests or houses of people they knew to borrow some sleep at night. Houses of dissenters would be burnt down overnight and how everyone had to help building a new one for them, how protectors acted as enemies, as fearful entities. They once had a wooden bridge linking the cluster of villages from the gateways and how people’s resentment and non-acceptance of the rule led them to light it on fire so the tormenters couldn’t enter the valley. Now, they had a concrete bridge which wasn’t in perfect condition but it served it’s purposes and on which they’ve walked more than a thousand times. Rather than giving up they became more fascinated by the insurrection and the tales it left behind it. By the time they were grown, Geumhyuks father couldn’t decide if he had dampened the symphonies of mutiny in the young minds or set into motion the unpredictable.  
They’d read books which were scorned upon, talk about unimaginable deeds and addressed an audience which couldn’t be seen by the naked eye. Gradually, true to their faith they found similar strays and took them in. He let himself believe that friendship exists and he’d encountered his matches.

“Geumhyuk what happened to your _fiancé_?” Chunghyeop asked nonchalantly in the middle of their journey to the market.

He had no fiancé, just a girl everyone hoped he’d end up with. She shared nothing in common with him and they agreed to remain friends much to his dismay. He had been alone for a long time now but with his preferences being so particular and rightfully so he had to learn to compromise. But the problem was it had become an object of amusement among them and was in no way fruitful.

“I hear that on more time you’re carrying all the load back home.” He rolled his eyes and scoffed.

They had been doing their chores involving the outdoors together since they learnt how to swear. Their families were affluent which could only mean good grace in those times and it allowed them to take some time off to ponder on their empty treasures of heroism. He could only hope he wasn’t wasting all he was born with. They had another meeting in a few days, the first one in the autumn of ’78 and Yoonho wouldn’t stop talking about how they had to party until their joints hurt (as if they didn’t already). The teen was as cheerful and over the top as ever, he liked it when he couldn’t stop his laughter and would be rolling on the floor after one of the kids did something. All perspectives were valuable assets and he liked the synergy of it all. Hosung would be trying to escape from Heejun when his hands reached to tickle him and Jacob (now restored to health) would be pinching Yoonho’s torso when the other would be screaming like a banshee. It really would be a party the whole neighborhood would bear in mind and curse at.

Except it _never_ happened.

Yoonho came running to his house one morning, it was seven o’clock and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to wake up that early. Yoonho wasn’t having it and kept asking him to come with him. He couldn’t understand why until he saw the kid’s face. He was terrified and stumbling on his words, unable to comprehend he just threw a vest on him and walked as if he was running. He didn’t make it on time. The crowd was murmuring sympathies to him and he couldn’t understand why so pushed ahead and found himself standing in front of Chunghyeop's house.

Heejun was holding a metal tag similar to his and was sobbing. Choi Chunghyeop was nowhere to be found. Wooyoung resembled a madman, searching the crowds as if Chunghyeop was playing a game and running away from him. Hosung held a piece of paper and looked around solemnly trying not to let tears escape his eyes as he held Yoonho who looked equally heartbroken. It was mayhem, his vision blurred as realization embraced him.

Choi Chunghyeop was _gone_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yuh pp not edited there will be changes made


	3. disintegration

Wooyoung sat on the porch of the one who vanished, he looked like he was mourning in a funeral with no body. The villagers had scattered already sparing just a few, tight lipped and sighing for they couldn’t believe what had passed as well. Jacob found his way to the gathering, he said he was trying to find clues to the disappearance but couldn’t find any. Of course. Why would he? Wooyoung was tired, even though it was broad daylight his breath was heavy, his shoulders drooping and ears ringing with the whispers of the inhabitants.

_“They must have ran away.”_

_“ I heard the old man was offered some job, he must have joined the power.”_

_“I can’t believe they would run away like this”_

_“Isn’t the son old enough? He must have accepted some deal. Who’ll rot away in here? Everybody thinks about themselves first.”_

_“The man had some things going on, didn’t he? What if they were taken away?”_

_“What do they do with captives?”_

“Don’t you know? _They kill them_.”

Wooyoung blinked like he was threatened, something seared his skin and his heartbeat quickened. He’d take a betrayal than blood spilling. He’d rather have Chunghyeop run away, humiliating them and breaking their trust than to not exist anymore. He’d do anything to not hear those words again, to not even imagine the possibility of it happening. _Let him leave, let him be a coward who did not value promises but he will not be taken from Wooyoung just like that._

He hated it so much. He hated the fact that he had to live through a day like this. Everything was falling apart, he had lost all his senses, his ability to think, to grasp the reality. Heejun tried to look strong, he wiped the stray tears on his cheek and to maintain his composure. None of them cried in front of the barren house, they couldn’t let it get to them. They were already taken as fools by the world that how easy it was to breach their oaths, how shallow their bond must have been, how they were wasting their time. Geumhyuk couldn’t settle between heartbreak and wrath, ever since they started this he never expected his peers to keep up with him because he understood the risks it held, how one would conclude it as futile. But he did expect a goodbye, he wished to know the good things one would achieve, he wanted to know what went wrong, he wanted to ask _Chunghyeop_ why did he leave, were they really digging a tunnel never to be used. He wanted to scream at him because they had done everything together, they had built it together, they dreamt of it and dedicated their whole lives so what happened? Did they deserve this? His mind spiralled counting moments of friendship and nothing added up, his chest tightened when he thought about it. The younger boys assumed silence, they could see how much distress the event was causing and even though they felt the ripples of grief, they suppressed their emotions for the sake of the older two. They stuck around Wooyoung and Geumhyuk because they refused to move from the family’s property. They thought they’ll try to live like nothing changed from tomorrow onwards and Chunghyeop would just be distant dream.

Wooyoung didn’t know how to handle the spontaneousness, he was not someone who’d feel helpless because he knew how life ran its course, he _always_ knew what came after. But, not now. He witnessed his present being dismantled, his mind drifted into how Chunghyeop and him would see each other everyday , how as a child his mother would wake him up when Chunghyeop peeped into his room every morning, he remembered some conversations they had word to word, the way he’d look at Chunghyeops face and be relieved, or that one time he scratched his knees from sand and stones when he was chasing the other boy. It came to him that he’d like to do it again, he couldn’t even get angry. He felt himself withering, he just wanted to hide away. Maybe when he wakes up tomorrow, he’ll see Chunghyeop again and they’ll grow old together.

Nothing was infinite, and heartbreak was no exception. Or so they said. Wooyoung had let himself go, feel all at once and gravity weighing him down, crashing like sea waves you cannot predict but knew what they would feel like against your unshielded body. What they could do to you, how far you’d be carried away with currents left to its desire. Months passed by since the heist, the tremendously well executed vanishing of Choi Chunghyeop. Nobody talked about him anymore, the village had long adjusted to their absence. They heard their holy grail of struggle bore fruit, the world ascending through socioeconomic changes and the era of punk rock stumbled in unannounced. The city held spectator of newfound egalitarianism and all seemed optimistic. Rogues had been called back to their bases and their surveillance came to an end. The boys stopped seeing each other at the garage, they voted against it since it didn’t feel right. As the resistance succeeded with flying colours it also meant it was time for the city dwellers to head back. Arrangements were made for the same, brushing aside all good and bad times alike Yoonho and Hosung prepared to leave the village hidden in a quiet valley. But before that, they expressed the need to hold a meeting for one last time.

And it was followed through, on a Thursday night as if to compensate what couldn’t be done months back on a new moon. The moon that night was subtle and silver splattered evenly into the panorama. Jacob held open the door for the bunch to enter, his home was offered to obnoxious laughter and loud banters. They settled in nervously, a space remained empty for the unspoken. They fell into place eventually, it was difficult not to as they were quite happening personas. Geumhyuk kept an eye on Wooyoung, gaze shifting periodically to make sure he doesn’t feel left behind but he displayed no signs of contempt. They talked sufficiently, Heejun making sure everyone knew he loved them and turned to Hosung with a faint smile. Surprisingly, Hosung had nothing to say he actually looked guilty for not being enthusiastic during his time with the rest. He felt he had been distant and unfair, whatever the justification may be. He’d been wanting to head back all these months but now that the token to normalcy was handed to him he realised the lines have blurred, he felt alive all the while he was striving.

“I know I’ve been distant and cold. I hope you’ll forgive me, even if I had my reasons. But I’ve come to care for you lot, I’ve begun to appreciate what I have right now and would like to thank you for not leaving me to sulk despite me being overbearing. I’ll come back every chance I get I promise, I’ll never forget this place and the kindness I’ve been showered with especially from you hyungs. You’ve only heard me express my displeasure but never how grateful I am for your guidance. I look up to you and everything you stand for. I love you all, thank you.” Hosung murmured, his deep voice rich with emotions of several shades. His head was lowered, cheeks flaring from the heartfelt confession he never intended to deliver so softly. But he didn’t regret it, he had enough proof to believe he didn’t need to act tough anymore.

“We know you’re a smart kid, Hosung. We never blamed you, not once because we knew where you were coming from. Just go back and be rich quickly do you understand?” Geumhyuk smiled, fondness apparent in his eyes. Wooyoung poked Hosung lightly and made a goofy face, his hands resting on the youngers shoulder.

Hosung sighed to himself, as if he had paid off his dues and his chest definitely felt lighter. Yoonho had been observing as nostalgic scenes unfolded in the atmosphere. He looked like he wanted to say something but held himself back, grinning wide and genuinely convinced it’ll leave him sooner or later. Any bystander would say they were having the time of their lives. They hid the urges to talk it out but everyone in that room knew they had more in them than they let on the surface. Heejun took it upon himself to break the strangely hung negligence of certain elements.

“I miss him. I know you’d rather not talk about him right now when everything seems so right but I miss him every day and really fucking hope he isn’t dead.” Hearing their youngest become come off unhinged tete-a-tete wasn’t the usual but Geumhyuk took the offer graciously, his consciousness wearing out either from drinking or the mental expense required for replaying his speech over and over again.

“He isn’t...dead. He’s somewhere living a good life probably. He’s smart enough to not get killed, he better not.” Wooyoung announced, jaw clenching and eyes hinting something unexplainable. Yoonho looked rather relieved someone had brought out what he didn’t find the correct words to do so himself. But anger and desperation seemed fitting, Chunghyeops departure was a conundrum and he didn’t know where to start searching.

“We’ll find out where he is,” Yoonho looked at Hosung as if to encourage him to join promptly, “He’s still out there and i need to know why he did what he did. I do not believe that he left because he wanted to get his hands off of what he founded. I’ll go back and try my best, put some faith on me.” Wooyoung saw red.

“And then what? You’ll bring him back? What if he says he hated _every_ second of his time spent here, that every step was a mistake and he ran away the first chance he got because he couldn’t pretend anymore. I don’t want to know anything; I’ll be humble and guard my place here since my dreams are nothing. Work together and grow old, what a dirty joke it is beyond me so go ahead and find him. And tell him how goodbyes are fucking necessary and not to leave loose ends elsewhere.” Spitting his thoughts, Wooyoung removed himself from the room and hurried out. Yoonho tried following him when Hosung interrupted and shook his head, motioning that it was best if they let Wooyoung have his moment.

“I still feel his arms around me, is it bad I want him to come back hyung?” Jacob found himself looking outside distantly, wondering if Wooyoung was holding up alright.

“No, it isn’t. None of you are wrong , it’s just Wooyoung has lived his whole life knowing Chunghyeop and it’s not fair to ask him to come to terms just yet. He has the right to be angry, they were very close so it’s natural. Don’t worry, time heals all wounds even if they remain on us for as long as we live. Some don’t even fill completely, we just become habituated to it and accept it as a part of us. It’s some rough shit, I don’t even know what else to say.” Geumhyuk almost made it sound rhetorical, like he was reassuring himself. Truthfully, he still couldn’t point out the appropriate reactions but he guessed each one was for their own; it was pretty hilarious that he was giving life lessons out of disdain because he was not the one doing this before.

They laid across each other that night, mind foggy with alcohol and consciousness drifting to questions with no definite answers. Wooyoung relented after being left alone for a good hour and climbed into the mattress near Heejun who rubbed his shoulder encouragingly. Just before their eyes gave in to exhaustion, Yoonho was sure he heard a small apology thrown into the air after which he let himself fall asleep, his legs tangled with Hosungs.

The breeze picked up pace as Yoonho and Hosung bid farewell after sunrise the next morning, some tears from Heejun and undisputed attention from the rest almost made them stay back if they didn’t have their parents waiting for them back home. Yoonho’s siblings stood at distance, giving them the space they needed as Geumhyuk engulfed them both in a hug that made them dizzy. He was a large man and they could do nothing but accept the gesture and return it in doses. He wished them best of luck and ruffled their combed hair, much to their annoyance as the elder laughed out boisterously. It was weird Hosung thought, he would do anything to get back his life like a year ago and he is going to seize it but he wanted to return one day, in better circumstances and a title to his name. Jacob shook their hands and stole more than one hug as he and Heejun offered to hold whatever they owned to take back. Soon, any trace left of the two in the dusty streets and dry winds was visions from a minute ago to an hour to several of them until they were forced to wonder how many deductions would they have to witness, as unnerving it seemed.

The bus that would take them to the city was packed, passengers occupying most seats and some willing to stand due to urgency of time and nearness of their destinations. The windows were rolled down, Yoonho’s elbow perched on one of them as he felt his cheeks corrode and turn scratchy as the air gained momentum. Hosung was beside him, watching his hair lose structure and mind in melancholic turmoil. Yoonho felt the sensation of eyes on him, prodding but mindful. He had just finished crying silently, fingertips eminent of what we would like to keep to himself and neck strained from looking away.

“Are you really going to search for him?” Yoonho stilled at the sudden inquiry, he kept mum as he twiddled with his thumbs. He’d like to forget that Hosung was sitting adjacent to him, awaiting for his answer or even that they knew each other. Honestly, he didn’t want that but Hosung was not someone who could give him what he wanted. He was too grim, too sceptical and definitely not fond of him. They would part ways later that day and never see each other again; Hosung would probably leave the country and accomplish feats he was meant to conquer anyway. It was good humour to him, how they met amongst frenzy and consoled each other but were never meant to be permanent like a lost civilization. But now, he had to look at Hosung waiting for him to confirm or deny what came out of his mouth last night unabashedly.

“Yes I am. It’ll be easier for me to find out well if they actually do hire me back, he must be somewhere out there.” Hosung took his bottom lip between his teeth and peered at the linen string on his trousers, doubtful if he should interrupt and tear down the high hopes.

“What if he doesn’t want to be found? Worse, what if he isn’t alive?” Yoonho wasn’t startled at the possibility, he knew the bets he was about to put on and yet. Yet he wanted to do something other than sitting idle, or maybe it was for his personal knowledge and peace of mind.

“We’ll never know until we try and find out isn’t it?” Hosung hummed, his heart slowly growing desperate for the journey to never end. How much longer can he keep Yoonho next to him, how much longer until he would have to erase Noh Yoonho from his life. He dreaded the moment when they would turn their back to each other and walk away, he didn’t want that. He felt a small hint of fire in him as he took Yoonho’s cold hand in his. It fit just right, like it was always meant to be like that. He heard Yoonho breathe sharply, form fragile and shaking as he refused to look up but didn’t pull away. Their clasped hands settled between them, hidden from direct view in their own little bubble and Hosung lamented audibly. They had lost too much time hitherto, praying they could make up for it with whatever they had left.

The vehicle halted with a screech, they had reached the city by noon with the sun gleaming and yellow. Yoonho turned his to see if his siblings were awake, which they were and grabbed the duffel bag he put under the seat in front of him at the beginning of the trip with his free hand. Hosung had dozed off, mouth slightly ajar and breath relaxed but his hand still gripped Yoonho’s as tightly as if he was afraid the latter would be taken away. Yoonho tried to release himself gingerly, thinking it would be awkward now that they were to separate anyway and it would be best to leave whatever happened in the vicinity of their seats. Hosung woke up due to the bustle around them as the commuters started spilling out of the bus, relieved to have completed the journey safely and making their way to wherever they were supposed to be. He realized he had been around for every single day for the past year, without fail having their own merry time and guilt bubbled inside him for falling asleep so casually. He let Yoonho’s hand go and shifted on his seat, his cotton shirt sticking to his sweaty back. They stood up after a few seconds, Yoonho grabbing his brother by his shoulder and slightly pushing him forward then taking the extra bags from his sister and following Hosung out.

“Will you manage with all these bags with you?” Hosung turned after skipping a few paces from the exit of the bus, hand on his neck and barely being able to look at Yoonhos face.

“Oh we will take a taxi don’t worry. How will you get home?” Yoonhos sister stepped in, taking Hosungs hands in hers. They were soft and soothing, he closed his eyes as he put his head on the shoulders sighing as he saw Yoonho in the periphery. He pulled away and smiled as he pulled Yoonho’s brothers cheek lightly. The kid put his arms around Hosungs waist and snuggled making him halt, he returned the affection with some praise making the kid giggle in delight. Then it was Yoonho, who didn’t waste any thought and secured Hosung between his arms. It was different, they had hugged countless times before but this one seemed filled with passion and longing...it felt they had dangerously searched for each other in crowd of unknown faces and finally had a glance of each other. They found each other in the irony, so close yet so far.

“Find me, come find me again.” Hosung braved himself and mumbled into Yoonhos shoulder, grip tightening removing the tiny expanse between them.

“Of course dummy. I’ll phone you, I have the number to your house what’s going on with you?” Yoonho chuckled, his head turning a minute angle.

“No no not just calling. Find me, and keep me. I can’t take it anymore I am sorry I was being an ass just please. Promise you will think about it. Don’t say anything now, tell me in person and now just go. Remember me, will you?” Yoonho stumbled backwards in disbelief as Hosung let go, swinging on his heels and taking off after he screamed out adios leaving Yoonho to his own insanity.

Hosung wiped his tears abruptly as the taxi pulled into the street he was chased out of only to wonder if he had made the biggest mistake of his life. But Yoonho called later that night, head in the clouds and voice shrill. He asked if Hosung meant it, if he really thought it was possible. And Hosung did, he had been denying it for too long, been on his worst behavior and they laughed gently on both ends. It was so easy, so easy if they hid it in public. Stealing loving glances and holding hands while running circles around excuses of all kinds. It was their era, their reign and their world.

Heejun was to graduate in two days, the past few days were spent filling applications to universities far and wide. He didn’t want to move elsewhere and preferred if he could go to a college nearby which was set up by the student union alumni. Geumhyuk and Wooyoung were strictly against it, they knew Heejun was holding himself back because of them and lectured him how it wasn’t the noble sacrifice he thought it was especially because he had interest in further education. Heejun started hanging out with people his age as the period came to end, they accepted him with open arms as he was already well known and loved, it was Heejun who didn’t participate regularly. Or perhaps it was just he was a big kid and could flip anyone who got on his wrong side; nobody was willing to find out. He was known as someone who had backing; Jacob was seen picking him from school quite often. His face blank and shoulders squared, walk heavy with arrogance as he smiled at no one sparing Heejun. Wooyoung had been checking up on him routinely, his outfit for the big day should be washed and pressed, his hair covering his ears with bangs over his wide forehead shining and posture confident. He had run Heejun down the obvious drill thousands of times, Heejun would not lack in any manner whatsoever and it was settled. Geumhyuk drove Wooyoung and Jacob to the school, he would never miss it whatever may stir into his way it would be dealt with after Heejun stepped down of the stage fully knighted.

Wooyoung stood facing the school; they had attended the same one few years ago. His memories were a reel, all felt contemporary as he could see himself running behind a joyous figure. That’s right, he had been one who always chased and followed endlessly. Into empty classrooms and corridors which were particularly difficult to get through. They had done it all. There was no anger left in him, just bittersweet fragments of yearning he could pick up only for them to slip out of his fingers again. He couldn’t follow anymore, he wasn’t allowed to as the compass was magnet bound. His indulgence had a countdown and he had exhausted his limit, so he would treat it as imaginary. They were delusions he would tell himself and he had grown out of them. Finally.

Jacob felt jitters all over his body the morning after, the telephone was ringing and he didn’t want to pick it up. But he lived alone and he didn’t want to sit through the haunting silence that followed after, so he snatched up the receiver and put it against his ear.

“Hello son! How are you? Did you eat breakfast yet?” It was his mother, Jacob exhaled audibly as he felt his heart pumping. He didn’t know what he was expecting but it wasn’t his mother checking up on him. As usual. They talked about the graduation, Jacob shaking his head disapprovingly as she brought back how he used to be and some more motherly coaxing.

“Are you thinking about coming back? We miss you greatly.”

“I know mom. I do too, a lot I mean it’s nearly two years since I saw you. That’s tough.” He nodded as if his mother could see him.

“Then come back or are you still hung up on that place? Are you okay though? After all that happened...” He could hear the hesitation in her voice, his family back home heard before he could tell them and he thankfully didn’t not have be the harbinger of pitiful disputes. It was a shock of course and a few sympathies were slipped in as he dragged the sad acoustics with him and he ended the call. It was still difficult to talk about it upfront. So he didn’t. He talked about wanting to go back home but hesitating due to numerous factors. He could go back and start afresh, but not when his mind is caged and searching for the missing piece. Even though he didn’t know if it was practical but he’ll stay until his heart tells him it is worth it.

He was not one to wax poetic but he was human, and he would like to live as one. He moved around the house, wondering if he should check up on Geumhyuk and ask if there was anything to be done. Other than teaching kids how to dance, he still did that on Saturdays and looked forward to it. He was hushed inside their little gang after consideration. Just as he was about to step out, the telephone rang again and even though he was sure he hadn’t altered the tones but this one seemed louder and impatient. Jacob caught the hook swiftly and opened his mouth to greet.

“Jacob. It’s been a while. I thought... I should tell you that I am still alive. Don’t know if you’d like that though.” Jacob closed his mouth, breath hitched halfway and his throat turned into a desert. It was him. _It was him_. The same directness, same twist of words as if he wasn’t missing for a year. _Choi Chunghyeop_ was on the line and it was just him, could he handle someone he didn’t understand anymore? Why call _him_ out of all people?

“Why are you calling me, hyung? Have you told the others yet? Woo-” He gushed, “No, telling him would do more harm than good. I am just calling to inform you. Whether you decide to tell them or not is not a matter on my hands. Take care, please. Goodbye.” And the line went dead. In less than sixty seconds.

How _dare_ he? How dare he think it was alright to call out of nowhere like this and cut the phone as he pleased...Jacob pressed the heels of his palms over his eyes and cursed at the ceiling. What a time to leave the house, he scurried out utterly confused and out of breath. They were not going to like this and he hated to be the one to fall on that hill.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what a mess. im starting to think i must not know how to write, me dunno english. anyways the last part will be epilogue and i'll wrap it up enough of word vomiting pointlessly. hopefully its not disgusting


	4. deliberation

It took everything in him to not slide down the plastered messy wall behind his stature. Chunghyeop held the payphone close to his face, both his hands wrapped around the device in urgency and unease. He had picked up the receiver again after slamming it harshly against its body to end the call, ghost of the words spoken by him lingering in the air. He rubbed his sweaty neck, feeling the weight of his own thoughts permeating into his head and the light ringing inside that bothered him perpetually returning. His boss would want him at the front _any_ moment now, he couldn’t afford to lose himself over a call confirming his existence. He had sneaked out when he found that he wasn’t required for the next few minutes or so but employers could not be reasoned with. He was glad he could hear a voice so distant, even though it wasn’t more than four sentences. He didn’t deserve to listen more, he had no right over it as he had discarded any sympathy to the likes of it when he left his home. He didn’t know what came over him to ring in the numbers he never thought he would be dialing again, but a man is a slave to his heart and the wishes of the heart were hardly logical. Something told him he shouldn’t have done that if he was to live in the cold city alone and unidentified but Chunghyeop trusted his guts, the subtle urges which drove him to do things and they have never disappointed him before. He hoped it wouldn’t let him down this time as well, for the city was harsh and the cacophony of places he didn’t belong to had started to wear him out slowly.

Geumhyuk would leave for his job in the city in the evening. It was the best arrangement he could get, hanging around music of various kinds until the late ghastly hours of the night and sleeping in the back room he was offered in the ‘secret’ listening space. It wasn’t secret anymore, didn’t have to be. He had been thinking about something big, an important decision on his part- if he could stay in the city for a few months. See how it is, meet new people and so on, it wasn’t if he had grown tired of his current blessings but perhaps a new phase of life, to satisfy his pressing curiosities and live as any young man his age would. He knew the boys would never keep him from the experience, but admitting it out loud could lead to misunderstandings and that was the difficult part.

He was just pondering daftly when he saw Jacob make his way inside the iron gates of his house hurriedly, they weren’t supposed to meet today.

“Hey Cobi, what are you doing here? It’s too early for you to miss me.” He asked, leaning slightly against the door frame. Jacob didn’t look amused, he looked wild, his eyes drifting everywhere and lips pursed from what seemed like nervousness.

“I got a call a while ago. You’d never guess.” He shakes his head, the quiet crushing Geumhyuk in batches.

“From? Who was it, boy?” He pressed. “Chunghyeop hyung. He said he’s calling to inform that he is alive, sounded very much alive I’d say. Confident even.” Jacob summarized, he looked troubled of what he might get in return.

“Oh.” Was all that left Geumhyuk’s mouth, the weight descended on his shoulders now that his doubts were cleared. He realized he was never angry, he was just awfully scared and blinded by the bitter possibilities. Deep down he worried whether his friend had settled in with ease or not and now the green light was sent his way. That still didn’t help with his roaring emotions that wouldn’t settle with just that.

“Who else did he call?” He needed to know what he was getting into, last thing he wanted was an unresponsive Wooyoung and a pestering Heejun as warranted their reaction would be.

“No one he said. He said he knew I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it.” Jacob wasn’t pleased in the slightest, the hurt that he was accused of being distant of all and the one who would be unaffected was lathered on his features. But Geumhyuk knew very well why Chunghyeop decided to call Jacob, he was the only one wouldn’t pack his bags the instant he was informed of the fact and had the patience to come to Geumhyuk for a solution. He was the most reasonable one and Chunghyeop knew that. And him? He wouldn’t even be here by now if he was the one who had received the call, he knew that too.

But now comes the upheaval that comes in the form of conveying such sensitive information. He had to do something with what Chunghyeop had told him. And so he does what he usually does, huddle in together when crisis strikes them as this was as much in others plate as it was in his.

It was a blur, from telling Wooyoung and Heejun and binding in their puzzled expressions, the outburst after and how they all ended up in Geumhyuks living room. Wooyoung was pacing down the hall, his steps so heavy that there will be a hole in the floorboards if he didn’t stop his routine, Jacob was fixating on the wall with no traces and Heejun just blinked at Geumhyuk owlishly.

“He called so that he could tell us he’s alive? You believe in that bullshit?” Wooyoung bit down, scratching his left eyebrow and narrowed his eyes at the group. No, he did not believe Chunghyeop called because he took some sort of sadistic amusement in watching them squirm and lose their goddamn minds. But what he didn’t know, what they didn’t know was whether Chunghyeop would let himself be found. Not after he left like that.

“He doesn’t want to be there that’s for sure but we also know that he would never come around first. Either we find him or we pretend this never happened and it was some sick dream.” Geumhyuk offered half heartedly, throwing his hands up in the air.

“You want to FORGET ABOUT WHAT?” Wooyoung pressed, face morphing into a pure mix of confusion and rage.

“I did not say I want to do anything, I was simply thinking.” Now it was Heejun who looked at him with criticism heavy on his tongue, he did look cruel right now if he was being honest.

“Do we even know where he is?” He gambled the possibilities. They could not be reckless and he would make sure of that. Chunghyeop could have called them from anywhere in the country, the hills, the plains or somewhere near the quiet sea. It was a reach for them to set out like it was a quest laid out for them as if they were some destined warriors to salvage the lost one.

“Geumhyuk hyung is right. We technically know nothing about his whereabouts and we simply can’t afford to delve right into this without some clue. We should give it time, sit on it for a bit and see how it all works out.” Heejun delivered and laid back into the cushion they were sprawled into. At least someone saw his perspective.

“Last time we talked Yoonho was supposed to ask around, pull some strings and all. Let’s leave this at that for now. Wooyoung hyung, you should sit down. Please.” Jacob shifted and patted the spot beside him inviting Wooyoung to relieve his legs from the unnecessary strain he was putting them through.

Wooyoung huffed and gave in to the advances. He couldn’t really argue, they couldn’t do anything with they had at the moment and until Yoonho or one of them magically finds something valuable soon, they were sitting ducks.

The room fell silent save from the ceiling fan that whirred in full speed, as minutes ticked on as time waited for none. Their trance was broken as Geumhyuks father shuffled in after picking some fresh vegetables for lunch later, perspiration breaking out in beads because of the glaring sun outside. He quickly read the atmosphere as neither of them looked up from their meditation.

“Say, what’s got you kids so glum so early in the morning? The day has just started, what happened?” He padded towards the cohort and scanned their faces. No one said anything for what seemed like a lifetime. Finally, Geumhyuk gave in and said “Chunghyeop called Jacob this morning. He wanted to let us know he is okay.”

“Who?” “Chunghyeop, father.” “No…that can’t be right.” Creases appeared around the old mans’ forehead and his fingers twitched lightly with visible shock. His lips curled inwards as his breathing became steadier, like he was trying to process the information. The boys each hesitated to jump in for questioning and nimbly glanced at each other searching for answers.

“Why would he call you now?” Geumhyuks father murmured, wondering out aloud not caring if anyone caught it. “What do you mean? Do you know something?” Geumhyuk pressed, his hands reaching his father’s elbows and head leaning towards his father like it was supposed to be a secret.

“Okay. I’m okay just…sit down. All of you just settle down there’s something you need to know.”

Hosung lets out gentle protests as he stumbles behind a dauntless Yoonho, his eyes momentarily scanning the lackluster picture of the neighborhood he's only seen a couple of times before and scoffed when he becomes aware of their interconnected arms, wistfulness seeping into his consciousness. The gravel beneath their feet make crunch sounds as they pace further and only slow down when a moderately sized house comes into view. Yoonho lived comfortably with his family, they never moved out to a bigger mansion perhaps even when they had all the means to do so. _It's all pointless, we are perfectly content here especially after the resistance_ , Yoonho would chirp. 

Hosung wasn't sure why he was being invited to their family home, it was nothing awkward as he had already met Yoonho's parents and his siblings adored the taller. They had earlier decided to meet in the afternoon, fool around the city and have fun like kids their age were supposed to. Hosung wasn't sure which role were they playing during their endeavours whether they were just friends but time went fast with Yoonho and there was barely a moment for him to question their relationship. He could live with that.

Yoonho shuffled inside his house with Hosung in tow and turned around, face stretched into a bright smile and softly bouncing on his feet. He always loved it when Hosung visited them. He was particularly adamant on bringing the younger boy to his house today and not without reason as he advances towards to telephone. He gestures Hosung to come in and make himself at home while he looks at the clock briefly. 4:57pm. Not too long now. His family was out for the day, even his younger brother keeping himself busy with school activities.

"Why did you drag me here today?" Hosung started, his palms hitting the front of his beige dress pants gently. He still wasn't used to such closeness, back in the village he just assumed their proximity was an output of their similar circumstances. The day they came back to the city, unsure of what Yoonho would expect from their familiarity he schooled himself to be ready of anything that might be thrown to him. He could lose Yoonho forever if the older decided to cut ties, treating him as just another bump in the road. But much to his desperately pleasant surprise Yoonho called him the day after and they've been seeing each other regularly ever since.

"We have a call to receive." Yoonho declared, face breaking into another smile but his eyes monitoring where the telephone was placed. "Call from whom?" Hosung would like it if it didn't turn out to be a sick joke, he had considered enough confounding variables in his deep thinking on nights he couldn't make himself go to sleep and he did not want any of them to be true. "You'll see. Are you worried?" Yoonho probed, feigning oblivion to Hosungs clearly distressed state. The latter gaped at Yoonho, his face betraying a whirlwind of emotions quarrelling to be showcased. Hosung first of all did not know the implications of the question, worried about what? Which worrying thought was he supposed to be bothered about, there were several. And more than half of them were tied to Yoonho. Gathering no response, Yoonho leaned back, his hands clasped just above his navel. There was nothing more to say.

At 5:01pm dot, the phone rang and the shrill echo of its tune lingered in Hosungs ear as Yoonho placed his hands on the receiver and detached it from the mold after staring at it mindlessly for a couple of seconds.

"Hello?"

Hosung discreetly focused on Yoonho's back, his dark overgrown hair which could be mistaken for a mane, his slightly absurd pairing of a yellow half shirt and a green woollen pullover, his smile lines when the corner of his lips rise up...his smile lines when he smiles? He's smiling.

"Who was it? Did something good happen?" Hosung jumped up from his seat, his body automatically propelling towards Yoonho awaiting to be filled in with potentially important information.

"Remember I said I'd do my best to find Chunghyeop hyung back in the village?" No way, there is no way Yoonho would actually take that seriously it was just a heedless claim slipping out in his drunken stupor. "How did you do it?" Hosung perpetuates his calmness. "I know people who know people." Yoonho added, "He's in the city Hosung. For the past few months he's been living here alone." And then he runs into Hosungs arms which hang awkwardly around his frame, breathing in so deeply that his body shook in the effort. He holds the older boy as he lets out faint cries of relief and he guiltily realizes there's still so much he doesn't know about the boy he has become so enamored with.

"We'll find him. I'll go with you. I'm sorry for not being here earlier. Why didn't you say anything to me?" Hosung runs his hands on the others nape with softness and inhales the mild scent Yoonho's hair gave off. It was the same one he knew the other to have used in those times. Yoonho was vulnerable, he always had a more compassionate delicate side to him even though he might not seem sweet right in the surface. He liked showing his affection through actions like offering someone water when he noticed their fatigue, brushing hair out of ones eyes and smiling brightly as a response to someone berating him for his silliness.

Hosung wasn't like that, he was aloof and easily irritated. He was definitely pragmatic having his own share of fun in several different ways but he wasn't good at perceiving others. He could never figure out the deeper level of ones mind, the subtle insinuations and sympathetic gestures were never his forte. But he wasn't cruel, he would never shame people for being emotional and treasuring something close to their heart whether it was people or experiences. He understood the complexity of it all and how holistic a single event can be, how people succumbed to hurt even though they knew circling around it may yield nothing after all. He knew all that even though it wasn't the same for him. So he wasn't astonished when he learned about Yoonho's connection to Chunghyeop and how he stuck to his words, but he wished he was there for Yoonho. Wished he was there when the elder spent so much time and effort dedicating to finding their hyung when his contributions were nil.

Hosung lived on with his life when he could have helped but didn't say anything completely dismissing any chance of him being able to do something and made it seem like he forgot everything that happened in the village, forgot the people who had been so kind to him and removed himself from the trajectory of their lives like it he was an outsider. He never had that intention because he was grateful for everything and there was no me and them, it had always been us.

"I'm sorry, I-I didn't think you'd want to." Yoonho buried himself into Hosungs shoulders, hands clutching on to his cardigan intensely, all signs of hesitation shown earlier had evaporated. Yoonho felt the other tense up as he was pulled closer and held tightly when he heard muffled cries from the other.

"I'm so sorry I made you feel like you're alone and that I didn't care. I'm sorry Yoonho I never meant for you to feel so distant. I'm here for you now, please forgive me I've been terrible." Hosung kissed his head, lips lingering for brief seconds before sighing audibly. They swayed in each others arms that evening, misconceptions shattered and hearts contiguous in more senses than one.

"The weekend before the family went missing, I had some serious conversations with Choi senior. He's a jolly old man but that day he didn't look up to his usual mood. We greet each other during our trips to the market and I intended to do the same when I saw him there that but decided against it when I noted the change of temperament. He didn't talk to anyone and shifted nervously when he moved, he also didn't meet anyone's eyes." Geumhyuks father gestured, his eyes flitting around randomly, "I thought it was unusual because there hadn't been a single time he has acted so unconventional all these years I've known him. He was flighty so I decided to visit the family. When I knocked Chunghyeop peaked through the blinds and his father opened the door shortly after and I could see the entire family waiting at the entrance. They looked restless and afraid like I wasn't supposed to be there. But they invited me in more, like ushered and we sat down. When they told me the matter I could not blame them for their strange nature. Mr. Choi said they've been compromised; they were being searched for along with several other people who were involved with the resistance movement. You know how much their entire family has given into the movement. So they couldn't risk staying here anymore. They had to vanish as soon as they could. And they did." The old man rubbed his fist against his forehead.

"I wanted to help, but they thought it could endanger us. They didn't want any lose ends, so that the orders dogs couldn't harass anyone. Chunghyeop begged me not to tell you forgive me sons. He didn't want any of you to know. He was adamant on removing their traces and swore he'd never to try and contact anyone from the village. Which is why it's surprising...do not hate him my children he left with great pains and desperation."

The old man left the room just like he entered it, drowning in the bleeding atmosphere and strained heart strings.

A son packing up his entire life in an instant, dedicating it as a filial duty to his father. To follow him to war.

Wooyoung through the numbness could see it all like those programs they ran on the television, Chunghyeop hustling to carry whatever luggage they could manage, his inability to ask for help, his entire family abandoning the life they have known and fear seeping down their bones as they looked over their shoulders a little too often. It was the price they had to pay in this macabre of freedom and dignity. 

That boy would never let anything happen to them so he gave up everything he ever knew and ran far away. How lonely he must have been, his grief amplifying with the names and blames his family would be branded with, his last bit to camaraderie manifesting through his concerns of the villagers of _his friends_ safety. Stricken with the likes of plight Atlas was cursed with shouldering the world, a human could do little but hide.

"Call Yoonho, we are going to the city."

And that they did. How else would they live?

Yoonho and Hosung took it upon themselves to turn the entire city upside down in the hope of finding Chunghyeop before the village boys set foot into the land of capital and standards of prowess. What they could find was much less surprising. In a manner. He worked in a garage, a fully functional and spoken for mechanic center but in cursive font. The filth lied behind the garage, a place smelling of piss, theft and loss of honor. They could only hope the missing puzzle piece was not entangled in that mess.

The intel Yoonho was given was from an acquaintance he'd known for long, a source he believes to be reliable and trustworthy. He and Hosung scrambled around the block the garage was located, first the convenience store then the park which was used by the residents for morning and evening walks and so on. The windows of the typical two storey houses shone with morning light bouncing off as any of those could slide open any moment an exasperated homebody wishes to let some air in. The birds circled in the sky, oblivious of the rumors under them which was funny because these creatures are supposedly able to sense danger. Hosung scratched his head not caring about his ruined hairstyle while Yoonho rests on his arm, both of their sights meeting the front of the garage at intervals. Chunghyeop wasn't here yet. Maybe he wasn't working today?

Yoonho languidly chews some imported gum and thinks about how to deal with Chunghyeop when the time comes. He does not want the elder to be scared or feel like he's being ambushed. Hosung being there made things easier, the younger quick on his intuitions and spottings. He's alert and almost comically unblinking; Yoonho does not have to wonder how he picked up those skills. He figures they stand out in the neighborhood with their hopeless investigating, it was an area he hardly had any reason to visit otherwise but now had to camp in due to a mission. He also thinks about the future to fill in the void, Yoonho didn’t want to go for higher education and that was the very reason for him to make his way through the entertainment business. After it all came down, he's been a bit lost. There was Hosung and his big dreams of fancy professions which required both aptitude and determination. Perhaps that's where they would have to part. They'll see.

Geumhyuk had phoned yesterday, his voice scratchy and urgent as he relayed the story which led to Chunghyeops departure. Just like he thought, it was not a choice but a deeply wounding survival need. Chunghyeop left clues on the tattered billboards, he let them know he was ready to be found. Yoonho hung his body with the support of his arms off the railing they were standing close to, it was about time they arrived.

"Did you give them the address?" Hosung sniffed, the air lightly impregnated with the smell of gasoline used in the vehicles being parked in the garage, the glow of the flickers coming from the welding strips had an uncanny resemblance to fireworks in one's hands. Burning, metals and elements extinguishing at predictable moments. "Yes, soon they'll be reaching here." Yoonho scrunched his nose, not particularly liking the scents surrounding them. Every growing minute, his pulse fluctuates and all the bones, flesh and everything that contains his body throbs in calculating beats.

Geumhyuk, Wooyoung, Heejun and Peng had set out of the village earlier that morning as if to retrieve some lost ancient treasure they've been alerted about, outlandish tales which can be hard to believe for those without faith. Finding Chunghyeop had been fairly easy for them, no dramatic roundabouts, no crossing stretches which barely could hold their weight, none of those blame games just unbiased questioning devoid of assumptions. Does he want to be found? All was to be forgiven, sins washed away by the acid in the rain like crackling dry wood in a forest fire. He did and so they had to seek him out. Nudge him into the real world again, like a tiny bird taking its first flight after recovering from an injury earned from its encounter with sharp talons. Gently, reassuringly because wanting to keep body and soul together was never a crime.

So it went like this: Hosung being the vigilant one had noticed the party arriving from the village and pleasantries were exchanged, few tears were shed with tongues coated with the essence of irrepressible need to look at Chunghyeop, touch his thin body and embrace it so close as if it were a part of them. The molecules they were made of vibrating at the exact same frequency whilst the world around them continues with its mundanity. Nothing else could be of more significance.

"How long have you been waiting hyung?" Heejun turned his and Yoonho's joint hands, rubbing the soft skin underneath his thumb but not letting go. He had infused a certain tinge of bass in his voice, something Yoonho could not match with the Heejun he had left in the village. He would be attending university in the city in a few weeks after all. "About 20 minutes, it doesn't appear like he's working right now."

"Are you sure this is where he works?" Wooyoung expressed his disdain, unable to intercept the automatic thoughts which would arise in anyone's mind if they learnt someone's association with the dubious building. "Yes, I am certain. My sources are authentic." Yoonho isn't much for judgement to be frank, he just wants his brother back even if he had to pluck him out of a tavern full of heathens.

"Should we come back later I mean-" Geumhyuks interjection is muted as a strange buzz which wasn't present before grew louder around their ears, as in the same second a Chunghyeop shaped figure comes out of the door covered with graffiti made of spare paint from the paint jobs on car models. He's lean and covered with grease and a few cuts on his lips and cheekbone to be precise. But he's alive. He looks haggard and tired, lean muscles stretching as he bends down to pick up a stray tool from the ground, clothes hardly fitting his petite frame but he's breathing. He's panting and sweating and uncomfortable but his lips are moving as if a puppeteer is making him go about the stage called life.

By the time they exhale next, Chunghyeops eyes had found them. They looked harsh, with faux nonchalance then they melt into defeated resignation. His hair is a lighter shade of brown from the sun, his skin catching some color in contrast to the earlier pale expanse of his body. He looks older but still somehow warm, even without smiling. The bruises are apparent and alarming but he's relatively moving without any visible motor complications. But then he's moving away from them, hastily exiting the garage ignoring the calls hurled onto his backside. They call him something different now.

Jacob breaks first, taking off after him and making it known to the people dawdling around the area that he wishes for the elder to wait. In a split second, the others follow. They hardly take fifty steps tailing him when Chunghyeop just cuts all flows of kinetic energy flowing through his body and turns, looking completely unhinged. They discover themselves in an alleyway full of home businesses and secluded stores carrying much of the forgotten unwritten past. Chunghyeop trembled in the passage full of oxygen and guarded emotions, brimming on the top and threatening to spill over violently. Nearby, there’s a patch of seasonal bloom breaking out of the asphalt looking stubborn and imposing.

He wheezed as his broken lips struggled to form words, unintelligible syllables escaped him while his head fluttered around the temporary shelter from outside gaze and he slowly monitored his labored breaths until it slowly and excruciatingly reverted back to its respiratory purposes as the adrenaline watered down. He was afraid, maybe he was relieved. Perhaps it was both.

"Please."

Stars exist in the vacuum called space as faraway celestial bodies, simply existing in their inanimate state of being performing their duties as the keepers of unnamed galaxies and remaining as such until they are bestowed with roles to play in constellations. Socializing with fellow stars is how they retain their patterns and meanings entrusted upon them by scholars long gone, all of them just as they are relying on each other, on interdependency, trust and fulfilling the works of their destiny. Such are our humans as well. Complete with each other.

It was autumn when they lost one of their stars, it was autumn when they brought him back. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi thanks if you are still reading. am i satisfied with this? no. i think it's very poorly written. rushed and all. did i want to finish it asap because i have stalled it for too long already? yes. so yeah. thank u!


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